To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
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Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?