Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
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My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
CRYING
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I have many caverns
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.