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Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.