Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
You Might Also Like
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
*pronounces UPS like yoops
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”