[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
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Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you