Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
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This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.