“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
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Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.