[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
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in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.