alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
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I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
This is sending me to another galaxy
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Am I having a stroke?
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Go hard or stay average
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.