Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
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I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed