Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
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If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.