looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
You Might Also Like
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?