we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
You Might Also Like
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Finally! 😈
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔