What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
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Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]