i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
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The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*