Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
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this is uni
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.