You Might Also Like
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Software Development ⛵️
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music