If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
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Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My therapist after every session
RT if you know someone like this!!!
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects