GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
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you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”