so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
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Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing