The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
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Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
who wants to go expliring
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine