“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
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me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
My boss called in sick of me
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.