Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
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How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Guys, I found it.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing