I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
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Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Okey dokey.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza