(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
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A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”