Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
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Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.