My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
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Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
#parenting
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer