[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
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What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Plant care tips
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.