[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
You Might Also Like
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
i smell a pulitzer
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
the greatest twitter interaction
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Name another movie that mislead you?