Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
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“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.