A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
You Might Also Like
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
whenever i wake up before my alarm
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
dam girl
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.