gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
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I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
When you don’t understand how floors work
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.