Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
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Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.