What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
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Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.