Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
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Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Have kids, they said
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO