Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
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After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
The Sun
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.