Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
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Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
The happy life.. 😊
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.