Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
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“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*