I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
You Might Also Like
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.