If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
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My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief