a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
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My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Customize Your Wedding.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.