At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
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Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
💻🤡
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Weirdly Wednesday.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
i wish all
whales
a very
big