Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
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finally
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Become ungovernable.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
That time Alicia messaged me
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Well well well…
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.