[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
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[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?