hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
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Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
How times have changed.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser