[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
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In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.