[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
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With this onion ring, I thee fed
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP