I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
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The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready