Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
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Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext