A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
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If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
The best plant holders?
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”